In our time, where the principles of a market economy govern everything, making a profit from things and their utility is society's core value. In this scenario, even romantic relationships are molded by market forces. People view themselves as products in the dating market, and the individual's possession drives the demand and supply dynamics. Additionally, this relationship market eroded people's value to nothing more than trading, up-selling, and sorting them as commodities in a sea of potential relationships.
'We are most alive when we're in love.'
John Updike
We can't envision a romantic relationship without mutuality because a romantic relationship is never a one-sided effort. It's possible to argue that we don't need another person to practice love; nevertheless, in the context of a romantic relationship, where things often proceed in a mutually beneficial way, two people's equal participation is necessary.
A partnership is more than just a construction project. Despite our efforts, the romantic bond develops naturally. You have no power over it. The worst approach to establishing a relationship is to make an effort like a contract builder. When two beings come together, there is uncertainty and unpredictability; attempting to control the mechanism and try to direct it in the desired way will destroy the beauty of the relationship.
However, how you handle a romantic relationship at the outset of declaring your love reveals a lot about you. Without a doubt being in love, you can't escape from the longing of your beloved one. But, how you approach your lover matters a lot because the wrong attempt to win love can make you a cynical lover too. So, seeking love while maintaining grace and dignity only helps you stay genuine in pursuing love. Otherwise, you can slip on the road of love from pursuer to beggar or beggar to abuser
A Case of Abuser
In the digital world, when there are many opportunities to invade others' privacy with no moral repercussions, being creepy in the search for love is a fairly common habit.
The invasion of another person's digital privacy took place in many different ways, such as sending endless messages, poems, love songs, or memes without the other person's consent or acknowledgment.
Extreme cases include sending inappropriate content, making unwanted phone or video calls, or sending excessive follow-up messages on various social networking sites, irrespective of whether the receiver is a stranger. Even though these people already know one another, the constant bombardment of messages is a wholly unsolicited invasion of privacy.
The recipient is flooded with messages and becomes a target of online abuse. These are the lived realities of most women, who continually showered with new messages and saw the filthy dance of desperate pursuers in their inboxes. One who seeks love must distinguish between being a lover and an abuser.
Love is Love - A case of Beggar
Love is not pity, mercy, or any other emotion. Love is love. It does a great disservice to the idea of love if you pursue romantic relationships like a beggar. Simply put, love is a reciprocal act of unconditional giving. If there isn't an unconditional willingness to give and sacrifice, it could not be love but something else. A romantic relationship is, without a doubt, very demanding in nature. Love necessitates a meltdown of 'I' and 'You' in 'US.' It can't survive on just becoming a beggar. Begging costs the dignity of an individual in the process of romantic love.
In love, there are two schools of thought that approach love in a different manner, one believes in absolute devotion, like Meera's love for Krishana, there is no hope of reciprocity in that, just treating your lover as God, you don't need the physical presence of your lover. This love is the same as heavenly union with an unidentified being or Godly love.
However, according to the second school of thought, the hallmark of a romantic relationship is reciprocated, love. The prevalent understanding of love in the real world is that there should be mutual feelings between the two; this is essential in romantic love. As the poet Octavio Paz so eloquently put it, this kind of romantic love, “Love is an attempt to penetrate another being, but it can only be realized if the surrender is mutual.” Similarly, Ahmad Faraz writes about love in the same context.
Tu khuda hai na mera ishq farishtoN jaisa,
dono insaaN hain to kyu’n itne hijaabo’n mein mile’n
Neither you are God nor is my love like an angel,
If we both are human beings, then why should we meet in hiding
The efforts of the two people beautify their romantic relationship and make it special, but in the common setting of the world, relationships are ordinary. It becomes 'Khaas' (unique) and lovely because of the way we practice and approach. Numerous examples of romantic partnerships lack love and are instead sustained by one another's fears and dependencies in day-to-day life.
What qualities make a relationship lively? According to Eric Fromm in his book "The art of Loving," he writes, exercising love is similar to learning or playing a musical instrument "It requires discipline, knowledge, concentration, patience, trust, and the ability to overcome narcissism. It is like art, not just mere a feeling " All romantic relationships begin with "falling in love," but maintaining a long, happy relationship demands "standing in love."
In our time, practicing 'Meera' like love is quite difficult. However, the majority of relationships work on the principles of reciprocity. We require reciprocity and equality in love as we adhere to the second school of romantic love. One-sided efforts can never be fruitful and will only result in exhaustion or shame. Standing at your lover's door and pleading for sympathy or pity while sacrificing your dignity is a sign of begging, not love. A genuine lover must forbid being a beggar.
Longing is inevitable
To love someone or feel loved is the most beautiful thing that can happen to a human being. Feelings of being loved empower you; it's like a fusion process in physics. Whenever two things fused, it maximized their energy, like two separate rivers started flowing together. In the fusion of love, energy magnified, and people started flowing in life at a double pace.
This fusion of love does not just happen smoothly. To reach its final stage of union, it underwent several processes and filters; a lover's experience of longing for their special one is unavoidable. In a relationship, things develop gradually, demanding much patience. Beginning a love relationship is similar to raising a child who requires your constant attention and nurturing until they are fully grown. As Eric Fromm mentioned, love is not something you already know enough; it's a matter of learning to practice love. Love helps us in navigating the unexplored territory of two beings. It's a journey to understand better who you are; Vesmir writes that "in love, we unfold in a layered way.
“And some days I want you to layer by layer, because too little of you is something I cannot feel, and too much, I never learned how to handle.”
— Vesmir
If someone cannot cope with longing with maturity and care, the love journey may become derailed. The true test of love is the capacity to endure yearning.
When John Stevinbanback's son fell in love for the first time, He confessed to having fallen deeply in love with a girl while attending boarding school, in a letter he wrote to his father. Every person who cherishes love should embrace Steinbeck's sweet, optimistic, eternal, and immensely wise advice. This lovely response to his oldest son as;
“If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.” John Stevinback
By Ankush Sharma
Research Scholar Delhi University
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